Their can be miracles ..

Initially, after a year I assumed my relationship with Eric was gonna be thee greatest. I thought his parents were going to finally love me,accept our relationship. I thought they had but apparently things are exactly the same if not worse. It's so pathetic I hate,HATE talking about his family but this is where a majority of my stress comes from. I barely see Eric once a week! He lives like 8 minutes away compared to my other relationships who were four hours away! I thought actually finding a boy who was close was gonna be great. But then again I didn't see myself being with someone younger and who was still in HS. I met Eric when I graduated HS back in 2007. A year later and a couple of months after I predicted this all to be smooth sail. Boy, am I wrong. I haven't updated in a couple of months. Summer

Stop and think of me

So I'm coming up on my year anniversary with Eric in June. I'm really happy that we've stuck with each other for this long and still love each other more and more everyday. He seriously makes me happy no matter. Anyway, well I guess I can finally grow to admit that I'm not the same Sarah I was back in High School. I'm not the "I don't give a shit" girl anymore I have some set priorities now. I gave San Antonio a try. Don't get me wrong it was an experience worth doing all over again. I can't say I enjoyed SA as much as I thought I was going to. But Of course when I chose Incarnate Word as a choice of school I didn't see a relationship in my future. But Eric came into my life in mid June so that changed the whole plan. Eric gave me restrictions and grew more and more insecure with himself/me. Those of you who know me well know I've had my share of relationship,flings,dates,boys..Whatever you wanted to call them. When I engaged into my relationship I had baggage and a hell of a past!So he knows I can get guys within a snap of a finger it's not hard. But he grew to be an insanely jealous person. Don't get me wrong I'm a jealous person as well but I'm mature enough to accept things and come to an understanding. Eric's age does nothing for his insecurities. So back to my story I just had to trace back the story. Well, while I lived in SA I didn't go to many clubs. The ones I did were either Gay clubs or maybe a few clubs with Cristy. Other than that I didn't experience the whole "first year college experience". When my roommates and friends would go to a party I'd stay home on the phone with Eric cause he wouldn't let me go. When I had people over he'd make me stay locked up in my room while everyone was having a ball in my living room. Nevertheless, I was never at the apartment in SA on the weekends. There I was on a 3 and half hour trip back to the valley to see Eric. Never once did he come to visit me for a weekend. It's not his fault though he's still in HS and yes we all know how parents are and rules. So I'm okay with that. But I really wish I could've lived my life a bit differently. Maybe even drank while I was in SA. I totally gave up drinking when I moved up for Eric. Eric is super straight edge. He has never consumed alcohol, smoked a cigarette, and been to a party/club EVER in his life! So his whole ideal image of a party is totally ridiculous. So, here's my plan....I'm going to move back to the valley for two semesters Fall 08' and Spring 09'. I'm going to wait for Eric to graduate so he can go back up to SA with me. I plan on attending Incarnate Word again for Fall 09' . Which means I'm going to stick to the same Degree plan that I have issued from Incarnate Word. Argh, I really wish Eric would change his stupid Insecure ways like soon. Who knows time will tell. I need to be patient with things in my life. I'm going to start working again soon that should be interesting. I was thinking about looking for a second job. I'm not too sure about that just yet. Hm, my birthday is in three weeks who would've though I'm coming to my last teen year. Awee.. haha. Hm, on a lighter note I think Eric's mom is pretty okay with me now. I went back up to SA with them one weekend they dropped me off as they stayed at the Embassy Suites in SA. His father is a coach and was coaching the all star game hosted at Trinity University. So basically we bonded on the way up. Also, not to mention she picked me up the next morning I spend the whole day with them literally. She told me to stay the night because she was too tired to drop me off. So I shared a bed with her..Totally weird but I guess this is what it took for her to give me a chance for once. She's a really nice lady and I really do like her. I may not approve of things she's told Eric in the past but she's his mother and she can say what she pleases to him.Hm, did I mention I'm in love with Church? Yeah, I am! The life teen Mass at Sacred Heart in Edinburg is great! If you're from the Valley and from the Mcallen/Edinburg area you should check it out! That's of course if you're a church person! Hm, it's getting really late and just thought I’d ramble off about things..
Peace..
xoxoxoxox

Even the best fall down sometimes

No matter how bad we wish things would be different in our lives it never happens. We have an amazing relationship going for us. Yes, we have our fights but what couple doesn’t? We’re going to get through this. We will and we’re going to cross the finish line with a smile on our faces.Hm, lets stop and rewind our relationship back almost a year ago. We were so naive so apathetic towards anything such as a big future. We grew to be one, to know each other inside and out. I told myself this relationship will be different. I’m going to make this work. I will try my hardest to work at it just like I have been for the past 10 months of my life. I’ve never wanted anything so bad in my life. We’ve never wanted anything so bad than just to be happy and content in our lives. But I find it to be one of the most difficult tasks I’d ever had to pursue at just because we have people in our lives that make it so difficult to undertake. Is it really so difficult to give us the acceptance and happiness that we’ve tried receiving? Patience is definitely not my best friend but has been for the past 10 months. I want to be fully content with everything and I can’t! It’s been so impractical. We’re good Christians we praise the Lord as much as we can. We believe in hope, faith and most certainly love. I feel like the world is trying to push us to our limit. Trying to burn out a candle that’s flame has yet reached the wax. This is our fate and we’re meant for each other. Bypass all the bullshit in our lives we’re keeping our heads high. We’re going to love each other like no other. We’re going to kiss each other with the hardest shut eyes ever. We’re going to tell each other "I love you" every minute we can till we’re blue in the face! That’s what gets us through our day everyday. Our relationship isn’t bad. We’re suffering, arguing, crying because we don’t have the respect we need. We don’t have our life to our advantage. Despite the lack of approval and appreciation and love we’re going to be still holding hands in the end. I don’t need to always be on check with everyone’s life to know that mine is better. I KNOW its way better. It would be best to most peoples advantage if they would stay out of Eric’s and my relationship and worry about their own. Before I conclude this blog I want to state that it’s slowly killing us. We may be strong with our relationship. But you can only push a person so hard till they break. I’ll just leave it at that. An inspirational bible verse that is very stirring...

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:22

The Worst Words a mouth Can Possibly Say

Fuck,Slut,BITCH,Asshole,Puta,fuck you,Whore,Cunt are probably thee worst words anyone can possibly say.

I'll be the first to admit I have the world’s largest potty mouth. I cuss like a sailor and argue like a man. My temper has no limits and tends to get the best of me. Schizophrenic or maybe even bi-polar are little symptoms I may show from time to time. I can seriously blame a lot of this on stress, frustration and my relationship with Eric. Eric and I are reaching our one year mark very soon. June 25th will be our one year anniversary. We’ve had a lot of good time and many bad ones as well. I don't ask for a lot. I've grown to mature and accept the past. Whatever the hell someone did a year ago, 2 months ago, even 10 minutes ago I can care less. Unless, it concerns me then I’ll care. Lately, our arguments have been getting out of hand. Sometimes I wish everything was different and he was older and shared the same views. He has yet to comprehend a lot of things in relations to independency. I'm sorry I don't have remorse towards stupidity, jealousy or unfair judgement.Yet I have the biggest heart for him and his love and affection he shows for me. Many people judge my relationship so much. I've had a mixture of comments and thoughts towards my relationship. It doesn't bother me what they think of my relationship. They're not the one experiencing the things I go through everyday. They're not present when he looks at me in the eyes and tells me I love you or smiles and says awe baby you're so beautiful. For a person who can drive me off the wall is the person I'm so drawn to a person who's my everything. I can't change his views because he's certain and stuck to what he thinks. I try not to argue with him I may snap at him and he hates that. I mean I try my best to get myself out of it but he’ll keep on going and going till I snap and go crazy. That’s the part where the schizophrenic or bi polar in me comes out. Well I want to be there always in his life. I can’t even perceive my life without Eric in it. A lot of people say I’m not the same. I guess I’m not. I changed my life to better myself and to suit my relationship. I’m not here to meet anyone’s expectations but my own. I’m going to do what I think is best for my life. Even if it means loosing people in my life who I care about. I’m an ordinary girl who has high goals in her life and is expected to meet all of them. I’m not perfect I don’t make the highest grade in the class, I’m not the student body president anymore nor does the whole school know who Sarah Cavazos is. I’ve become and individual of independence and knowledge. I know how to site right from wrong.I feel so much inside me right now:Anger,frustration,guilt,happiness,jealousy,stress,lust,fatigue. I think I need to be medicated. Maybe some anti-depressants or even some Adderall. One month away till I move back to the valley. I don’t know if it’s the right the decision but right now it sounds like he most perfect thing to do at the moment.I've always thought of myself as a city girl even my father told me. The valley isn't me but I'll do it to make it work. I have plans to move to Boston in the next two years or so. I want to get away from Texas away from the Valley. The Valley is too small of a place. I love my family and I love my friends but I need this for myself. I need to get away and start fresh and start new.
I’ll leave you with these thoughts:
I’m going to be okay. It’ll work out. Don’t worry Sarah things will get better. I love you. I need you. I want you. Forever. Jesus Christ you’re my savior. I can do this! I will succeed! Don’t worry about everyone else worry about yourself! I’m an individual with the greatest ambitions.
Goodnight .


Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

God please Grant me peace

Wow, it's been almost a week or it has been a week since I've last updated. Their has just been so much going on lately I don't even know where to begin? My home got broken into about a week ago. It was the weekend that Eric went to San Antonio for a basketball game. I decided to come home that weekend because it would've just been difficult to get around because my roommate Fabian was going up to Austin. So I'd have to stay with Ulyssa and Lord knows Uly and Eric don't get along. So anywho, I went home to make Eric happy cause the thought of me with Uly all weekend didn't tickle his pickle correctly. So, I got home and immediately went to say Hello to Eric. Well that night I went to HEB and bought a lot of goodies and a card for Eric so I could put a goodie bag together so he could take with him on the way over. I went that morning to his house and dropped it off. He liked it all very much and I stayed up till about 5 AM also making him this photo book of us. It was really neat it basically had every picture we've taken and that's a lot if you've seen our myspace.Anywho, well the weekend was really lonely without Eric. He got back Saturday night which was when we got broken into. That day I had been shopping with my mother and we got back from the mall around 7:30. I have these neighbors across the street who are just a bunch of low life mojos. I don't mean to say it like that but it's the dead truth. There home has like a broken roof. I think they don't have electricity. Anywho, well basically who lives there is like a mother and her older sons. I always see this weirdo man just sitting outside the house facing the street watching the street and basically watching out house. It's right across the street. Well when we got back from the mall they were outside. So I get dressed because I was going to go have dinner with Randal at Chilis. He picked me up and when I left they saw me leave. So my mom went to HEB during that short time I was gone.They saw my mom leave so during that time they decided to break an entry into my home.I got home around 9:10. The robbers were still inside my house when I got there. I guess I scared them off when I got there. I knew something was up cause I heard the dogs barking like crazy. I couldn't go in cause I was locked out and my mom hadn't come home yet. So I was sitting outside on the bench talking with Randall. I guess during that time they made an exit. So my mom gets there about 30 mins after. I go in walk to my room cause I wanted to change. I notice there’s glass on the floor and I look up and my window is fucken open! It was THEE worst feeling alive. I run and yell at mom saying They broke into the house. I knew they did the moment I looked in my brothers room and his Xbox 360 that was there before I left was gone! I ran to look in my moms room and they stole all her jewelry! All of it!! I guess they had just broken in and they did a quick grab and got the easiest things they could've gotten. Well right now we're in the process of looking for another home. The home we're in was never intended on us living there I guess we never decided to move cause moving is always a pill. But yeah now we are so hopefully by the summer we're back in Alamo. The downfall of living in Alamo is I won't be as close to Eric as I am now. Pretty lame but I'm sure we'll manage we usually do. So basically a lot of bad things are just happening. Well I went back to School Tuesday went to class all week pretty boring. The weather was cold and I didn't enjoy it. I came back to the valley this weekend on Friday. That's my first day of my spring break. I won't go back to school till the 24th I believe. I finished my midterms and told my professors I won't see them till after spring break. They were cool with it. Anywho, well I come back to the valley Friday with my friend Jade. I got home pretty late. Later than usual. Eric had bought us tickets to see Tracy Byrd and Josh Gracin in concert at the Live Stock show in Mercedes. So I hurried my ass up and got dressed really fast. I guess that's where my night started going bad . I mean I hate to get rushed when I'm getting dressed. So I go pick up Eric and switch seats so he can drive over to Mercedes while I do my makeup! We get there and Josh Gracin comes on. Of course Eric and I argue about something. So we leave and Miss a majority of his concert. We didn't leave we sat outside in a bench talking? Weird.. Anyway, we makeup become husband and wife again and enjoy Tracy Byrd performance. It was Erics first concert. I wasn't informed of that till a day later. Well anyway the concert ends around 11:40 I would assume. Eric and I are starving and we decided to not get food from the stock show.But we got a turkey leg and lemonade:X it was a must! Anywho, we drive to Mcallen and stop to eat at Denny's on Nolana. We eat a feast and leave because our parents panties were tied in a bunch! So I end up driving to drop off Eric. It's usually like that anyway nothing out of the ordinary. Well here’s where this story gets bad. So I’m on the expressway driving. Eric took my phone from my hand and I tired getting it back but when I did he yanked his hand back and I jerked the wheel and I started swerving. Well I tried getting back into the lane and I moved the wheel to the left but I went to far left and then I moved it to the right and I guess I jerked it too much to the right and my mom car began to spin in circles about 4 or 5 times. It was terribly scary. During that one big Jerk that made the car spin I collided heads with Eric. I then got a concussion and knocked the fuck out! I then woke up to my car spinning one last time and crashing into the barrier of the expressway. I could've sworn my vehicle flew off the Fucken Bridge. I was so scared. I was going psycho! I didn't know what to do. I was so fucken scared. I still am. I'm really paranoid about being in a car now. I don't know how long it's going to take me to start driving again. I ended up in the ER that night. I had a huge bump/ball on my head due to that concussion. My body two days after is still in a lot of pain. I'm bruised badly. Eric, has a ball on his brow where he collided heads with me. He also got a bruise on his leg and he's now complaining of chest pains. It's scaring me actually:/.My mom arrived to the scene so fucken fast. She got there before the cops did. I was so scared cause she trusted me with one of her most valued things and I totaled the fucker:/So yeah now she's probably going to have to buy a new car because I wrecked the frame as well. We all know that once you mess up the frame of the car it doesn't work the same. Wow, how could I be such a fuck up. Eric keeps blaming himself for the accident. I mean I'm not going to point fingers. I'm just going to say it was both of our faults in one way or another. Tomorrow is Monday or well Today is Monday and I have a CT scan at the hospital and a check up as well. Geezus, why have bad things just been happening. I went to church today and I felt a bit better with things. I prayed so hard and I took communion as well. Eric and I usually don't take communion when we know we've sinned badly. I've been good. So I took it and I was really content after church. Well Eric and I are doing okay after all this. I just still feel like shit for my mom and well that things I put her through. May God grant Eric and I and my family help and strength to help us get pass this stage in life. Things still haven't changed at Eric’s house. They're driving him insane by being so careless towards him. What parents don't ask how their child is doing after a severe accident? They have yet to ask him how he's feeling or if he's okay?! I wish my mom was his mom. She cares so much for him. He called me crying saying my mom is so mean. The morning after the accident she wakes him up screaming telling him to get out of bed. Not even checking on him if he's alright? For Pete’s sake they made him cut the grass and wash the vehicle!! :/ Argh. I wish things changed at his home and got better. I pray so much for him and his family. God will help us through this trying time... he will..


Here are some pictures of the car. These were taken at the wrecker yard. It's only one portion of the car that I captured. Probably thee worst damaged as well.

I need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves

So it's been about four days since I last updated. I guess I've been pretty busy with school and stuff. The week was quite boring nothing spectacular happened. So I really don't have much to say. It was your average week of school. But by Monday I was missing Eric like crazy! I usually go home to the valley every weekend to visit him. But the past weekend that had past I did not go home. I had to stay in San Antonio and take care of school busines. Monday, was Erics and my 8 month anniversary. Every 25th of the month we celebrate one more month of our relationship. So far they have been the best and hardest 8 months of my life. It started off swell because I was still living in the valley during the summer. Then, I moved to San Antonio towards the end of July. So it was really difficult. I mean Eric and I have never had it easy. It's always been filled with obstacles and difficulties against our relationship. I wish I could say his parents love me because they don't. His mother can't stand me and probably wishes I died or fell of the face of the earth. Or simply just ended things with her son. She's heard some really bad things about me through "unknown" sources. I really wish she gave me a chance and got to know me for who I really am. If anyone knew me well enough they know that I'm a goal oriented person with good morals and has a good head on her shoulers.I gave up on trying. I tried so hard. I've done absolutely nothing wrong to the lady.I've been myself around her family. I've had no problems with there family but she will base her thoughts of me through sources and not by knowing me for me. I'm okay with that I mean it really sucks and makes me sick to my stomach that I can't even be in good terms with the family cause of his mom. But I just keep praying for her and her family that things will eventually be okay.Argh, enough with that it makes me really sad when I talk about it.
Well yesterday I took off from San Antonio at 12:45 headed to the valley. Jorge and I took a bus home. I didn't want to stay the weekend because no one was going to be at the apartment and wouldn't be able to drive me around for any reason. Eric is at the moment in San Antonio with his basketball team. They did extremely well this season they beat every team in the valley all the way to Lareado! Now , they're making there way up on to the 210 but I don't have high hopes for them. Just because the interratial cultures .Yes, i'm talking about taller boys, tall black boys. so that always hurts them. They're not the tallest boys of the bunch but they have game. He didn't want me to stay. Primarily because I'd be staying with Uly and well we all know they don't like each other. Plus, he said they weren't going to win Friday so he'll be back on Saturday. :)I pray and hope he comes back I miss him terribly! We got into a big ol fight earlier about a powerpoint on my computer. Mind you, this powerpoint was from Junior year! Geezus but he say some pictures he didn't care to see but with all honesty the power point was only in there cause I had pictures in there that I wanted to upload to my computer. Eh, well today is going to be a good day I'm going to go shopping right now with the bestie Prissy. Then, later tonight I'll be hanging with my friend Rebecca and Samantha pearl. We got business to take care of;) lol. I'll update later..

xoxoxo
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Butterfly Metamorphous

So I didn't get to update yesterday.
Lets do some recapping...

Friday: .Cristina,Jade,Uly,Marg,John,Gaby,Sergio and Jazmin came over to the apartment to hang out and drink Friday. I was the only Sober one there but I think it's rather enjoyable just cause it's funny to let everyone know how dumb they were acting the previous night.But I got to admitt it was funny having conversations with everyone. I mean not everyone was drunk but it's just the conversations you have with people under the influence is always interesting.Well I went to bed pretty late that night. Overall, it was a good night hanging with my friend since elementary. We shared good laughs,pics ect.

Saturday:Well I woke up semi early I had to go to school in the morning for a workshop. It didn't last long thank God! Then I came back to the apartment and waited for my friend Carmen to pick me up so we could go to Walmart. I was doing a photoshoot with her. She picked me to be her model for her project for her digital imaging class.Her project them was supposed to look surreal and was to be a butterfly metamorphous cycle. So I had 4 diferent outfits. It initally started off with me in a cacoon then i'm slowling growing into a beautiful butterfly. She's going to add a lot of backgrounds and what not to the photos. I'm really excited to see the outcome of her project.It was an 8 hr shoot. I became very restless towards the end but the engind pictures were the best.Well to my liking that is.Here are some of the pictures taken on Saturday.

I did my makeup for these pictures. I think it came out pretty darn good:)




As for Saturday night Marg and John stayed the night again as well as Gaby and her boyriend. We got a surprise visit from Audee and Steph and their friend Crystal. It was nice to see those girlies. The rest of the night was somewhat of a blur. I got into a really bad arguement with Eric. I won't go about as to explaining every detail. Lets just say that my friends make a mock of Eric at times cause they know of things he's done to me. They have every right to have their opinions about him. I do what I can to defend Eric. I love him with every bone in my body and I won't stand to hear someone make a mock of him. But I'm usually out numbered and I just rahter shut up than make more of what shouldn't be argued about. I just pray and pray to God that last nights fight will neve occur again.I've never cried like that ever!

Today, was a very lazy day. I woke up at 3:30 PM!!!! Dear God I've never have ever woken up that late. But I was really exhausted from the night before.I woke up extremely hungry and I went to pick up Chachos and ate like a pregnant lady:X..Dear sweet Jesus! Anywho, I came back ate and have been in bed! Ha, what a horrible day spent doing NOTHING. hahah


Well that's all for now I'll be updating later since this was my blog for Saturday and Sunday.


xoxoxoxxo
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