I'll be the first to admit I have the world’s largest potty mouth. I cuss like a sailor and argue like a man. My temper has no limits and tends to get the best of me. Schizophrenic or maybe even bi-polar are little symptoms I may show from time to time. I can seriously blame a lot of this on stress, frustration and my relationship with Eric. Eric and I are reaching our one year mark very soon. June 25th will be our one year anniversary. We’ve had a lot of good time and many bad ones as well. I don't ask for a lot. I've grown to mature and accept the past. Whatever the hell someone did a year ago, 2 months ago, even 10 minutes ago I can care less. Unless, it concerns me then I’ll care. Lately, our arguments have been getting out of hand. Sometimes I wish everything was different and he was older and shared the same views. He has yet to comprehend a lot of things in relations to independency. I'm sorry I don't have remorse towards stupidity, jealousy or unfair judgement.Yet I have the biggest heart for him and his love and affection he shows for me. Many people judge my relationship so much. I've had a mixture of comments and thoughts towards my relationship. It doesn't bother me what they think of my relationship. They're not the one experiencing the things I go through everyday. They're not present when he looks at me in the eyes and tells me I love you or smiles and says awe baby you're so beautiful. For a person who can drive me off the wall is the person I'm so drawn to a person who's my everything. I can't change his views because he's certain and stuck to what he thinks. I try not to argue with him I may snap at him and he hates that. I mean I try my best to get myself out of it but he’ll keep on going and going till I snap and go crazy. That’s the part where the schizophrenic or bi polar in me comes out. Well I want to be there always in his life. I can’t even perceive my life without Eric in it. A lot of people say I’m not the same. I guess I’m not. I changed my life to better myself and to suit my relationship. I’m not here to meet anyone’s expectations but my own. I’m going to do what I think is best for my life. Even if it means loosing people in my life who I care about. I’m an ordinary girl who has high goals in her life and is expected to meet all of them. I’m not perfect I don’t make the highest grade in the class, I’m not the student body president anymore nor does the whole school know who Sarah Cavazos is. I’ve become and individual of independence and knowledge. I know how to site right from wrong.I feel so much inside me right now:Anger,frustration,guilt,happiness,jealousy,stress,lust,fatigue. I think I need to be medicated. Maybe some anti-depressants or even some Adderall. One month away till I move back to the valley. I don’t know if it’s the right the decision but right now it sounds like he most perfect thing to do at the moment.I've always thought of myself as a city girl even my father told me. The valley isn't me but I'll do it to make it work. I have plans to move to Boston in the next two years or so. I want to get away from Texas away from the Valley. The Valley is too small of a place. I love my family and I love my friends but I need this for myself. I need to get away and start fresh and start new.
I’ll leave you with these thoughts:
I’m going to be okay. It’ll work out. Don’t worry Sarah things will get better. I love you. I need you. I want you. Forever. Jesus Christ you’re my savior. I can do this! I will succeed! Don’t worry about everyone else worry about yourself! I’m an individual with the greatest ambitions.
Goodnight .
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.
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